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Thinking too much

It's been a very mellow weekend. Yesterday we just went to a bike shop and John got a new crash helmet and gloves and we bummed around the Apple store in UVillage for a bit. I did get iWork '08 and a new .Mac membership. Afterwards he dropped me off and I later went to his place to watch Alien as I can't remember seeing it before. I know I did but I was too young/scared to remember much.

Today I didn't attend the last of the landscape class so he just picked me up for brunch after he was done. We went to an old favorite and then just checked out a couple of places afterwards.

I know I have a good life right now. I've got a job, good salary, a house, things that I like, and so on. However, I can't help but feel sad or unhappy when it's so hard to do some things - like find a job abroad and stay with the same company. I am envious of people who I hear have found jobs there and are moving, because it's the thing that I want to do.

My inability to make things happen frustrates me to no end. I start regretting decisions I've made in the past when there's no way I could've known what the future (now) had in store for me. If I knew I would face so many hurdles, and some of them don't even make sense and are based on people's biases, I would've made a career change many years ago. But then if I'd done that I wouldn't have known some of the people I know now (most likely including John), or maybe have even felt the need I have now.

I wish I can stop thinking about this. The only time it works is when I'm occupied - either engrossed in work, chores, fun activities, books, or things like that. When I'm idle, this feeling starts again.

I've submitted my resume again last week. I haven't heard back and perhaps I should follow up. This in itself is very hard for me to do. I keep putting myself out there and I feel like I'm being judged each time and I worry I don't measure up. I wish I can stop worrying and just keep thinking positive thoughts and thinking things will work out when they will.




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